Sunday,
June 15, 2008
Presented
by:
I am going to share with you the greatest gift my father ever gave me. He
did not easily part with his gift, in fact, in the beginning it was really a
matter cussing and withholding. For me, when you speak of Dad you are
speaking of family. Good or bad, our fathers played a role in our
lives. Some of us are now fathers; therefore, we play a role, good or bad
in our children’s lives. Many of you know that I was a member here for a
long time and then left for another church. You have welcomed me back and
loving embraced Ann. When I think of Dad, or of being a Dad and of
family, I also think of our Church Family. I want you to know how much it
means to Ann and to me to be here. In every sense of the word, we have
come home.
Many of us are Dads. All of us had dads or mentors, teachers, pastors, or
positive role models, in one way or another. It is not the blood that
makes you a dad; it is the sweat and tears. In our society, many single
parents have to play the role of both mom and dad. There are aunts,
uncles, grandmas, and grandpas that raise families. My message this
morning is not just for dads, it is for all of us.
A number of yeas ago, I would go out to eat with my daughter and her
husband. I picked up the check numerous times. Over time, I noticed
that my daughter would decline to go. They would visit; however, our
cherished restaurant time diminished. I asked Christy why she was
reluctant to go out to eat and her answer caused me to change my perspective on
giving and receiving. At the time, I was a General
Some
times, our giving can actually keep loved ones from us. If we are not
careful, we can send the wrong signal. Excess giving could be seen as
control or even worse, that we do not think our kids are capable.
Dad
defined and our relationship:
I loved and respected my Dad and I know that Dad loved me. He was from
the generation that came through the Depression. The typical “men don’t
cry generation.” Dad saw his role as the provider for the family.
He worked 7 days a week and always kept us in food and clothing. Mom was
the nurturing parent.
For many years, the only way I could get along with my Dad was to stay away
from him. During my entire adult life, Dad criticized me for my weight
and my spending practices. Dad came through the depression and was
terrified of debt. He had not owed anyone for anything since 1938.
If it were not for debt, I would not have had a home, a car, or been able to
raise my family. At dads biggest he was, five foot 10 inches and weighed
less than 150 pounds. I was five foot 6 inches and weighed over 160
pounds when I was 13 years old. To the day he died, every time I was with
Dad he would tell me I need to giant up (loose about 10 pounds). He also
never let up on how I managed my money.
They also never had time for my kids. They spent so much time with other
grandkids, they just could not grandparent mine. We would see them at
holidays and be polite but otherwise we stayed away.
Like all Americans, my parents cherished their independence, as do most of
you. We do not want to become a burden or inconvenience anyone.
Like most Presbyterians, I like food. As I raised my family we centered
most of our activities on where are we going to eat? If we are going
fishing, to a movie, to a ball game, or even shopping for underwear the first
question my family asks is” “Where are we going to eat?”
I have always liked to cook and had
made some special soup. I always make too much. It was Sunday and I
had not seen mom or dad for a while. I was proud of my soup so I took
some to mom and dad.
They lived just outside of town on a place my grandmother had purchased in the
mid 1950’s. My maternal grandmother passed away in the 1980’s. My
Mom and Dad moved to her home in the early 1990’s. At this time, Mom and
Dad were in their mid 80’s and appeared to be very self sufficient and safe in
their home. Dad drove, kept a huge garden, cut wood for the stove, cared
for his horse, walked two miles ever day, managed money in the stock market,
and could still quote Shakespeare. They were the picture of independence.
I served up the soup. Both Mom and Dad were slight people, Mom about 110
pounds and 5 feet tall. Dad was 5’9” and 139 pounds. Mom ate a bowl
of soup and said, “That’s nice honey”; however, Dad ate three bowls. Now
this was mid afternoon and they told me they had had a good lunch. Dad
ate the soup, not because he liked it, but because he was hungry. As we
age, we selectively breakdown. You know, kind of like a car, rarely do
you blow out all four tires at one time; you begin with a slow leak in one
tire. Mom and Dad had lost the ability to properly nourish
themselves. A few days, later I took more food to my parents, enough for
three or four main meals. I told them that I really liked to cook and
this was some more stuff to try. I bought some frozen pizzas and other
frozen prepared foods at the store and put them in their freezer, foods they
liked to eat that were very easy for them to prepare. I took them food I
prepared on Sunday to last for three or four meals. In the beginning, my
Dad would curse and complain that he did not want to become dependent on his
children. The food, however, was always eaten, and my parents appeared to
be healthier. One Sunday afternoon when I arrived with food my Dad cussed
and said, “By God don’t bring anymore food. I’m
not going to be dependent on my kids.” My mother was a petite sweet
little old woman, and with an angelic look, quietly said, “Honey, keep bringing
the food.”
After about 6 months, I noticed a change with Dad. One Sunday as I
brought food he asked.” When are you planning to bring that meatloaf and
mashed potatoes? We really like that. It was a miracle!
After this miracle, mom and dad began accepting help in other areas as
well. They were always worried about interfering with my life or imposing
on me. Over time, they let me help them in the areas where they no longer
could function. I did not take them over, just started helping them get
to the end.
My relationship with my parents had been very difficult. Difficult enough that my children questioned why I would care for
them. I told them we are not responsible for how we are treated;
we are responsible for how we treat others. During the midst of my care,
my son called me. He said he and his wife (Krista) had been talking and
realized that if they had come upon an elderly couple that were strangers in
need, they would gladly help. In the end Christy, Rob, Rick, and Krista
helped and nurtured me and brought as much joy as they could to Grandma and
Grandpa’s heart. At Christmas both in 2000 and 2001 Derrick, now our
13-year-old grandson sang Christmas Carols.
My mother died at home in her own bed at age 90. The funeral home sent
the only person available to get mom. She was very petite and of course
unable to lift mom. Rick was with me and carried her out for the final
time. My father died at home in his own bed at age 92.
At the end of my mom and my Dad’s life, I was able to help them. I ended
up with about 3 years of time that I will treasure as long as I live. It
would not have happened if they had not let me. The greatest gift my
father gave me was the gift of receiving my help. It has changed my
life.
How many of you want to end up dying in a nursing home? Mom and Dad did
not want to either. By finally accepting help, they were able to remain
at home. This is a caring congregation. People love each other and
want to help. None of you wants to become a burden. You are givers,
not takers. You may be giving the greatest gift of all by allowing
someone who loves you to help. By accepting, the appropriate help you
actually will not become a burden. You also are allowing a loved one to
give. One of the greatest feelings we can have is to know we have touched
someone’s life. It is amazing to me that people accept God’s
unconditional love and try to live a life of service
to others yet in the name of independence; they reject that same love when
offered.
“I am a spiritual person. I would not call myself a “religious”
person. I believe that many religions exist for some sort of control over
our thoughts or actions. I believe we, you and I, are ultimately in
control of our thoughts and our actions. I deeply believe in God. I
am not hung up on what you call your God, how you address your God, or how you
pray to your God. I just believe there is a God and it is for sure not
you or me. I believe in the teachings of Jesus; however, I also believe
in the teachings of others that teach love and forgiveness as well. I
believe that it is more blessed to give than to receive, however many times
receiving graciously is truly giving.
For me to complete my journey with my aging parents took a tremendous amount of
faith. Continually, each day I ask God to be with me, to fill me with his
Spirit, to comfort me, to do as little harm as possible, and to direct my
actions. I am amused by the slogan, “What would Jesus do?” The more
important question is, “What will you do?” You are still here, you still
can make a difference, and you still can demonstrate peace and love toward
others. If each of us does only those simple things, the world will be a
better place.”